Classroom
LAMBEAU
Mod f(x) squared dx. So, please finish Percival, by next
time. And I know many of you had this as
undergraduates, but it won't hurt to brush up . . . .
Thank you, Steven . . . . I also put an advanced Fourier
system on the main hallway chalkboard. I'm hoping that
one of you might prove it by the end of the semester.
Now, the person to do so will not only be in my good
graces, but also go on to fame and fortune by having
their accomplishment recorded and their name printed in
the auspicious MIT Tech. Former winners include Nobel
Laureates, Fields Medal Winners, Renowned
Astrophysicists, and lowly MIT professors. Well, that's
all. If you have any questions, I'm sure that..Tom has the
answers.
L Street Bar and Grille
KRYSTYN
Hi, Will.
WILL
Hey, Krystyn. How're you doin'?
KRYSTYN
Alright...
CHUCKIE
I didn't get on Cathy last night.
WILL
No?
CHUCKIE
No...
WILL
Why not?
CHUCKIE
I dunno. Cathy!
CATHY
What?
CHUCKIE
Why didn't you give me none of that nasty little Hoochie
Woochie you usually throw at me?
CATHY
Oh, Fuck you. And your Irish curse, Chuckie. Like I'd
waste my energy spreading my legs for that Tootsie Roll
dick? Go home and give it a tug yourself.
MORGAN
TOOTSIE ROLL! TOOT, TOOTS!
CHUCKIE
She's missing a tooth, Will. She's got skin problems.
Plus, it's like five to two Morgan ends up marryin' her,
you know what I mean? There's only so many times you
can bang your friend's future wife. . . .Where're you
goin'?
WILL
I'm gunna' take off.
CHUCKIE
Fuck you, you're takin' off. It's like..What?..Ten
o'clock?
WILL
I'm tired.
CHUCKIE
Irish curse...no, no...no Irish curse.
Batting Cage at Funland
CHUCKIE
Stop brushing me back.
WILL
Stop crowdin' the plate....Which one'll it be?
CHUCKIE
You're gunna' get charged, you know that.
WILL
You think I'm afraid of you, you big fuck? You're
crowdin' the fuckin' plate.
CHUCKIE
Hey, uh...Casey's bouncin' up a bar, uh..at Harvard next
week. We should up there.
WILL
What're we gunna do up there?
CHUCKIE
'dunno. Fuck up some smart kids. You'd probably fit
right in....What're you doin'? Hey, What's up? You still
tough? Com'on!
MIT Reunion
BARBERSHOP QUARTET#1,2,3,4
(singing)
I love you forever, here in my heart...
MIT STUDENT
Professor Lambeau.
LAMBEAU
Yes?
MIT STUDENT
I'm in your applied theories class. We're all up at the
Math and Science building.
LAMBEAU
Come 'ere....It's Saturday! Unless you wanna' have a
drink with me tonight.
MIT STUDENT
. . . . Maybe . . . . We just couldn't wait until Monday to
find out.
LAMBEAU
Find out what?
MIT STUDENT
Who proved the theorem.
MIT Hallway
LAMBEAU
This is correct. Who did this? Jack?
MIT STUDENT
Wasn't me.
LAMBEAU
Nemesh?
MIT STUDENT
No way.
Little League Game
CHUCKIE
Run, Joey, yeah!
WILL
Look, McNamara's up.
CHUCKIE
Com'on, kid!...
BILLY
Hey, Morgan. Who's the girl with the striped pants?
She's got a nice ass.
MORGAN
That's her own nice ass. (That's a real nice ass)
BILLY
Who's the guy she's with?
MORGAN
That fucking ginny. I hate that little bitch. Will knows
him.
WILL
That fuckhead Carmine Scarpaglia (?). That kid used
to beat the shit outta' me in kindergarten.
BILLY
That guy?
WILL
Yeah.
BILLY
O.
MORGAN
Let's get some food.
CHUCKIE
Hey, what, Morgan? You're not gunna talk to her?
MORGAN
Fuck her.
WILL
I'm good for a Whopper.
BILLY
I don't wanna Whopper. (walk?)
MORGAN
Let's go to Kelly's.
CHUCKIE
Morgan, we're not goin' to Kelly's just cus' you like
the takeout girl. It's 15 minutes out of our way.
MORGAN
What the fuck are we gunna do, we can't spare 15
minutes?
Car
MORGAN
Double burger. . . . .double
burger?........
(singing)
Chuck, I had a double burger!
CHUCKIE
Would you shut the fuck up. I know what you ordered.
I was there.
MORGAN
So, give me my fuckin' sandwich.
CHUCKIE
Whaduya mean, "your sandwich?" I bought
it....Morgan, how much money you got on you?
MORGAN
I set out your change, right. Get the snowcone (?) I
said that before, when we pulled up. Why don't you
just give me my sandwich, and stop being a prick?
CHUCKIE
All right, well, give me your fucking 16 cents that you
got on you now, and we'll put your fuckin' sandwich
on layaway. There we go. Keep it right up here for
ya', and we'll put you on a program. Every day you
come in with your six cents, and at the end of the week
you get your sandwich.
MORGAN
Don't be an asshole...
CHUCKIE
What am I? Your fuckin' sandwich welfare? I think
you should establish a good line of credit. Like how
you bought your couch. Payment plans. Remember?
Your mother brought in ten dollars every day for a
year..she finally got a couch rent-a-center style.
MORGAN
Can I have my food now, please?
CHUCKIE
Here's your fuckin' double burger.
WILL
Hey, hold up Chuck. Slow it down.
CHUCKIE
What do we got?
WILL
I dunno, yet.
MORGAN
Ah, Will...we just seen the guy 15 minutes ago at the
ballgame. If we was gunna' fight him him we shoulda'
fight him then, but we got snacks, now.
CHUCKIE
Shut up, Morgan, you're goin'.
MORGAN
I'm not goin'.
CHUCKIE
So, don't go.
MORGAN
I'm not goin'.
BILLY
So, don't fuckin' go, Morgan.
CHUCKIE
Let me tell you somethin'. If you're not out there in
two fuckin' seconds, when I'm done with them, you're
next.
Outside
WILL
Carmine! It's me! It's me, Will, remember? We went
to kindergarten together. . . .
CHUCKIE
Will......Will.....Cops!
WILL
Fuck......
Lecture Hall
LAMBEAU
Is it just my imagination or has my class grown
considerably? Well, by no stretch of my imagination
do I believe you've all come here to hear me lecture.
But rather to ascertain the identity of the mystery math
magician. So, without further ado, come forward
silent rogue and receive thy prize.........Well, I'm
sorry to disappoint my spectators, but it seems there
will be no unmasking here today. However, um...my
colleagues and I have conferred, and there is a
problem on the board right now that took us more
than two years to prove. So, let this be said: the
gauntlet has been thrown down, but the faculty have
answered, and answered, with vigor.
Outside Court Building
CHUCKIE
Hey. When's the arraignment?
WILL
Next Week.
MIT Hallway
WILL
Sorry.
LAMBEAU
What're you doing?
WILL
Sorry.
LAMBEAU
That's people's work, you can't graffiti here. Don't
you walk away from me!
WILL
Hey, fuck you!
LAMBEAU
Oh, you're a clever one. What's your name? . . . . . . .
Oh my god...
TOM
Looks Right.
Street Outside Bow and Arrow Pub, Cambridge
MORGAN
Boy, I alwayssawhowstupidyouneedtobe to get fired
from that job. I mean, how hard is it to push a
mother-fuckin' broom aroundaroom.
CHUCKIE
Bitch, you got fired from pushing a fuckin' broom.
MORGAN
I got fired because management was restructuring.
BILLY
Yeah, restructuring the amount of retards they had
workin' for 'em.
MORGAN
Shut up. You get canned more than tuna, bitch.
BILLY
At least I got a mother-fuckin' job right now, don't I?
MORGAN
Yeah.
BILLY
Why did you get fired, Will, com'on.
WILL
'ell, management was restructuring.
CHUCKIE
My uncle could probably get you on the demo team.
WILL
Can he do that?
MORGAN
You kidding me? I asked you yesterday if I could get a
job.
CHUCKIE
And I told you no, yesterday.
In Bow and Arrow Pub
BILLY
Lets sit over here...
CHUCKIE
This is...This is a Harvard bar, huh? I thought there'd be
equations and shit on the walls...I will take a pitcher of
the finest Lager in the house....Time out. I'm gunna
hafta' bust a little move on dem Harvard honeys down at
the end of the bar. Work some magic.......... Oh, hello.
SKYLAR
Oh, hello.
CHUCKIE
Hi, how are you?
SKYLAR
Fine.
CHUCKIE
So, do you ladies uh. . .
SKYLAR
Come here often?
CHUCKIE
Do I come here..? I come here a bit. I
here...uh...uh...from time to time...Do you go to school
here?
SKYLAR
Yup.
CHUCKIE
Yeah...let's see...see, I think I had a class with you.
SKYLAR
Oh yeah? What class?
CHUCKIE
History.
SKYLAR
Maybe.
CHUCKIE
Yeeesss...I think that's what it was. You don't
necessarily...might not remember me...You know, I like
it here. It doesn't mean cus' I go here I'm a genius...I
am actually very smart...
CLARK
Hey.
CHUCKIE
Hey. How's it goin'? How are you?
CLARK
Good. How're you doin'?
CHUCKIE
You wanna...--
CLARK
What uh...What class did you..did you say that was?
CHUCKIE AND SKYLAR
History.
CLARK
Yeah...JUST History? It musta' been a survey course
then, huh?
CHUCKIE
Yeah, it was, it was surveys.
CLARK
Right.
CHUCKIE
You should check it out, it's a good course. It's a,
uh...good..good class.
CLARK
How'd you like that course?
CHUCKIE
You know...Frankly, I found the class, you know,
rather...uh...elementary.
CLARK
Elementary..
CHUCKIE
eah..
CLARK
You know I don't doubt that it was.
CHUCKIE
eah...
CLARK
I uh...I remember that class. It was um...it was just
between recess and lunch.
SKYLAR
Clark, why don't you go away..?
CLARK
Why don't you relax?
SKYLAR
Why don't you just go away?
CLARK
I'm just having fun with my new friend, that's all.
CHUCKIE
What, are you gunna' have a problem? I don't
understand...
CLARK
No, no, no, no..no, there's no problem here. I was just
hoping you might give me some insight into the
evolution of the market economy of the Southern
Colonies. My contention is that uh...prior to the
Revolutionary War, the economic modalities, especially
in the Southern Colonies, could most aptly be
characterized as agrarian precapital--
WILL
Let me tell you somethin', all right? Of course that's
your contention.
CLARK
Hang on a second.
WILL
You're a first year grad student. You just got finished
reading some Marxian historian -- Pete Garrison,
probably -- you gunna' be convinced of that till next
month when you get to James Lemon, then you're
gunna' be talkin' about how the economies of Virginia
and Pennsylvania were entrepreneurial and capitalist
way back in 1740. That's gunna' last until next year,
you're gunna' be in here regurgitatin' Gordon Wood.
Talkin' about, you know, the pre-Revolutionary Utopia
and the capital forming effects of military mobilization.
CLARK
Well, as a matter of fact I won't because Wood
drastically underestimates the impact of social di--
WILL
Wood drastically...Wood drastically underestimates the
impact of social distinctions predicated upon wealth,
especially inherited wealth. You got that from Vickers.
Work in Essex County, page 98, right? Yeah, I read
that, too. You gunna' plagiarize the whole thing for us?
Do you have any thoughts that...of your own on this
matter? Or do you-- is that your thing? You come into a
bar, you read some obscure passage, and then pretend
you, you..pawn it off as your own..as your own idea just
to impress some girls..? Embarrass my friend? See, the
sad thing about a guy like you is in fifty years you're
gunna start doing some thinkin' on your own, and
you're gunna' come up with the fact that there are two
certainties in life: one, don't do that, and, two, you
dropped a hundred and fifty grand on a fuckin'
education you coulda' got for a dollar fifty in late
charges at the public library.
CLARK
Yeah, but I will have a degree. and you'll be serving my
kids fries at a drive-thru on our way to a skiing trip.
WILL
Yeah, maybe. eh, but at least I won't be unoriginal.
Pardon me, if you have a problem like that, you and me
could just outside 'n we could figure it out.
CLARK
No, man, there's no problem..It's cool.
WILL
It's cool?
CLARK
Yeah.
WILL
Cool.
CHUCKIE
You're fuckin' damn right it's cool. How do ya' like me
NOW?
MORGAN
My boy's wicked smart... (You come to this place, you run
into a Barney!) (later)... you know, I was
gunna' lose that crazy deal, but then Chu...uh, Billy
insulted one of them and the heavy-set girl said that I
had a--have a recedin' hairline and I was a few pounds
overweight and I was like "go fuck yourself!".........I
swallowed a bug.
WILL
Hi...
SKYLAR
You're an idiot.
WILL
What?
SKYLAR
You're an idiot. I've been sitting over there for 45
minutes waiting for you to come and talk to me, but I'm
tired now and I hafta' go home, and I..I couldn't sit
there any more waiting for you.
WILL
Well..I'm Will.
SKYLAR
Skylar.
WILL
Skylar.
SKYLAR
Oh, and by the way, that guy over there...the Michael
Bolton clone...he wasn't singing with us, so to speak.
WILL
Yeah, I know. I kinda' got that impression.
SKYLAR
Good. Okay. Well, I've got to go. Gotta' get up early
and waste some more money on my overpriced
education.
WILL
No..I didn't mean you. I--
SKYLAR
Oh, that's all right. There's my number. I was hoping
we could go out for coffee sometime.
WILL
All right, yeah. May-maybe we could just get together
and eat a bunch of caramels.
SKYLAR
dyou--?
WILL
When you think about it, it's as arbitrary as drinking
coffee.
SKYLAR
Oh...yeah...okay...uh...well then...
Outside Dunkin Donuts/Baskin Robins
MORGAN
Yo. Fuck you bitch. Same fuckin' thing. There goes dem
fuckin' barains right now...with his skiing trip. Shoulda'
beat that little bitch's ass.
WILL
Do you like apples?
CLARK
aYeah.
WILL
Yeah? Well I got 'er number. How do you like dem
apples?
Buildings and Grounds Office at MIT
LAMBEAU
Tom.... Excuse me. Is this the buildings and grounds
office?
HEAD CUSTODIAN
Yeah...what can I do for you?
LAMBEAU
I just need the name of a student who works here.
HEAD CUSTODIAN
No students work for me.
LAMBEAU
Well, could you please check? I have this guy who
works in my building, he's about this high.
HEAD CUSTODIAN
Which one is your building?
TOM
Two.
LAMBEAU
Two. Building Two.
HEAD CUSTODIAN
Look, if anything was stolen I should know about..
LAMBEAU
No,no,no, it's nothing like that. I just need his name.
HEAD CUSTODIAN
I can't give you his name unless you have a complaint.
TOM
This is professor Lambeau.
HEAD CUSTODIAN
This is professor Hayes.
LAMBEAU
Tom, please. This is important. Please?
HEAD CUSTODIAN
Well, he didn't show for work today. Got this job
through his P.O. and he didn't call him.
LAMBEAU
P.O.?
HEAD CUSTODIAN
Yeah. Parole Officer.
LAMBEAU
Thank you.
HEAD CUSTODIAN
Asshole..
Courtroom
WILL
There is a lengthy legal precedent, your honor, going
back to 1789, whereby a defendant can claim
self-defense against an agent of the government, if that
act is deemed a defense against tyranny, a defense of
liberty.
PROSECUTOR
Your Honor...
WILL
Henry Lloyd Beecher in Proverbs from the Plymouth
Pulpit, 1887 says, and I quote--
PROSECUTOR
1887? This is the 20th century, your honor.
WILL
Excuse me. Excuse me.
PROSECUTOR
You're making a mockery of the court here!
WILL
I'm afforded the right to speak in my own defense, sir,
by the Constitution of the United States. This is the same
document that guarantees my liberty.
PROSECUTOR
Hey, don't tell me about the Constitution of the United
States.
WILL
Now, liberty, in case you've forgotten, is the soul's right
to breath. And when it cannot take a long breath, laws
are girdered too tight. Without liberty, man is a syncope
(sounds like sinko.)
PROSECUTOR
Man is a what?
WILL
Ibid, your honor..
JUDGE MALONE
Son, my turn. I've been sitting here for ten minutes now
lookin' over this..rap sheet of yours. I just can't believe
it. June '93, Assault. September '93, Assault. Grand theft
auto, February '94. Where apparently you defended
yourself and had the case thrown out by citing Free
Property Rights of Horse and Carriage from 1798.
Janurary '95, impersonating an officer. Mayhem. Theft.
Resisting. All overturned. I'm also aware that you've
been through several foster homes. The state removed
you from three because of serious physical abuse. You
know, another judge might care, but you hit a cop.
You're going in. Motion to dismiss is denied. Fifty
thousand dollar bail.
WILL
Thank you.
COURT OFFICER
All rise!
Middlesex County Jail Holding Area/Skylar's Room
SKYLAR
Hello?
WILL
Uh...Skylar.
SKYLAR
Yup.
WILL
Hey, uh....it's Will.
SKYLAR
Who?
WILL
It's Will. I'm, you know, the really funny, good-lookin'
guy you met at the bar the other night.
SKYLAR
I don't recall anyone who matched that description. I
think I'd remember.
WILL
All right. Well, you got me. It's the ugly, obnoxious
toothless loser who got hammered and wouldn't leave
you alone all night.
SKYLAR
Ohhhh, Wiill. I remember. How are you? I was
wonderin' if you'd call me.
WILL
Yeah, look, I was wonderin' if maybe--
JUVIE GIRL
Yo, whaaat's uuup, baby, wut's uup...?
WILL
Hold on one sec...Hey...
JUVIE GIRL
Wut's uup baby? Want some of my ass?
WILL
Herbe...I remember you from Juvie. How ya'
doin'?...Uh...yeah, sorry 'bout that. Um...I was
wonderin' if maybe we could get together,
um...sometime this week. You know, sit out at a cafe,
and maybe uh...have some caramels.
SKYLAR
Oh, well, that sounds wonderful.
WILL
Yeah.
SKYLAR
Yeah, sure, where are you?
WILL
Uh...Well, actually, this is a...this is just a shot in the
dark, but uh...there's no chance that you're uh...pre-law,
is there?
In Jail Interrogation Room
COURT OFFICER
Have a seat.
WILL
Thank you. Nice talking to ya'....What the fuck do you
want?
LAMBEAU
I'm Gerald Lambeau, the professor you told to fuck
himself.
WILL
Well, what the fuck do you want?
LAMBEAU
I've spoken to the judge. And he's agreed to release
you, under my supervision.
WILL
Really?
LAMBEAU
Yeah. But under two conditions.
WILL
What're those?
LAMBEAU
The first condition is that you meet with me every week.
WILL
What for?
LAMBEAU
Well, the proof you're working on...can do some, more
advanced...combinatory mathematics. Finite math.
WILL
Sounds like a real hoot.
LAMBEAU
And the second condition is that..that you see a therapist.
And I'm responsible to submit reports on this....yes..and
if you fail to meet with any of those conditions you will
have to serve time.
WILL
All right, I'll do the math, but I'm not gunna meet with
any fuckin' therapist.
LAMBEAU
It's better than spending that time in jail, isn't it?
Psychologist's Office
WILL
I read your book, and uh...and, and Mike was having the
same problems that Chad, the stockbroker, was havin'.
PSYCHOLOGIST
Absolutely right. Right on the button. Good for you,
Will. Very nice.
WILL
Thank you.
PSYCHOLOGIST
Will, the pressures, and I'm not judging them, I'm not
uh..labelling them, but they are destroying your
potential. They are no more shenanigans, no more
tomfoolery, no more ballyhoo.
WILL
You're right. How'd (God?) I know?
PSYCHOLOGIST
nn You're not gonna' get off that easily. Com'on, Will.
A bit more.
WILL
Well, I mean, I do, I do do things, you know, I me..
PSYCHOLOGIST
What uh...what kind of things?
WILL
I do things that, you know uh...that...I'm gunna' hide
from..from people.
PSYCHOLOGIST
You hide, do you?
WILL
No, no...I mean I like...I--I go places. I interact, you
know?
PSYCHOLOGIST
Really, what sort of places?
WILL
Just certain clubs.
PSYCHOLOGIST
More. That's nice. Yes. What sort of clubs?
WILL
Like uh...like fantasy.
PSYCHOLOGIST
Fantasy? That's nice.
WILL
It's not bad.
PSYCHOLOGIST
A bit more.
WILL
It's just something, like, when you get in there and the
music, like, owns you.
PSYCHOLOGIST
mmhmm.
WILL
It's like that house music. It's like bomp, bomp, bomp,
bompbompbomp, boom boom boom boom! You know,
you start dancin' and...it's just...
PSYCHOLOGIST
Boom..boom..boom..yes...
WILL
Yeah...do you find it hard to hide the fact that you're
gay?
PSYCHOLOGIST
What're you...what're you talking about...? Wait.
WHAAAAT?
WILL
Look, buddy, two seconds ago you were ready to give
me a jump.
PSYCHOLOGIST
A jump?.......I'm terribly sorry to disappoint you, but...
WILL
Hey, I don't have a problem with it. I don't care if you
putt from the rough.
PSYCHOLOGIST
What are you..? Pu...Putting from the rough..? What in
the heck are you talking about?
In the Hallway
LAMBEAU
A difficult theorem can like a...symphony. It's very
erotic.
FEMALE MIT STUDENT
Wow..
TOM
Henry?
LAMBEAU
Ah, Henry.
PSYCHOLOGIST
Hi, Gerry. Hey, you know something? I can't do this pro
bono work, anymore it's just not..it's not worth it.
LAMBEAU
What happened?
PSYCHOLOGIST
Well, I'm going on national television next week, and I
don't even have the time to tell you, much less talk to
that raving loony in there. An absolute lunatic, he is.
LAMBEAU
Henry.....
Hypnotist's Office
HYPNOTIST
Okay...you are in your bed, Will. Now...how old are
you?
WILL
Seven.
HYPNOTIST
What do you see?
WILL
Someone's in my room.
HYPNOTIST
What is it?
WILL
It's like...uh...it's a figure. It's uh..hoverin' over me.
HYPNOTIST
You are in a safe place, Will.
WILL
It's tou...It's touchin' me.
HYPNOTIST
Where is it touching you?
WILL
It's touchin' me down there. ...and I'm nervous.
HYPNOTIST
You don't hafta' be nervous, Will.
WILL
We...start dancin' and dancin' and it's just beautiful.
Cus' (sings) we can make a lot of love before the sun
goes down. Skyrockets in flight. Afternoon delight!
Heeeey Afternoon Delight!
LAMBEAU
Jesus.
WILL
(singing)
Skyrockets in flight, duh, duh, duh, duh. oh come on,
let's dance.
LAMBEAU
I'm sorry, Rich
HYPNOTIST
I have better things to do with my time.
WILL
(singing)
Heeeey, Afternoon Delight! Com'on, one dance!
You--you really hypnotized me, you know.
LAMBEAU
For God's sake, Will.
WILL
Whaat? Oh com'on. I--he left! You can't pin that on me.
LAMBEAU
I told you to cooperate with these people.
WILL
Look..into my eyes...
LAMBEAU
Get out, Will.
WILL
I don't need theeerapyyyyy...
LAMBEAU
That's enough! Get out!
WILL
Aaaaaaaaaaa....
TOM
I called Mel Linedrove this morning to see if he was
avail--
LAMBEAU
Oh, what's the use?
TOM
Whadoyou wanna' do?
LAMBEAU
Well, there is someone.
TOM
Who is he?
LAMBEAU
He used to be my, um, my roommate in college.
Bunker Hill Community College Classroom
SEAN
Trust...very important..in a relationship, it's also very
important in a clinical situation. Why is trust the most
important thing in making a breakthrough with a
client?....Maureen, stop the oral fixation for a moment
and..join us.....Vinnie.
VINNIE
Um...because uh...trust is...uh...trust is life.
SEAN
Wow. That's very deep. Thank you, Vinnie. Next time
get the notes from your brother. (Now, the patient is
here to say no. If trusting won't go past this), then
there's really no point in them being in therapy. I mean,
hey, if they don't trust you, you know, you're never
gunna get them to sleep with ya' and that should be the
goal of any good therapist...nail them while they're
vulnerable. That's my motto.....Oh, good, everyone's
back. Welcome back everybody.
LAMBEAU
Hello, Sean.
SEAN
Hey, Gerry. Um...Ladies and Gentlemen, we're in the
presence of greatness. Professor Gerald Lambeau.
Fields Medal Winner for Combinatory Mathematics.
LAMBEAU
Hello.
SEAN
Anyone know what the Fields Medal is? It's a really big
deal. It's like the Nobel Prize for math, except they only
give it out once every four years. It's a great thing. It's
an amazing honor. Okay, everybody, that's it for today.
Thanks and...we'll see you Monday? We'll be talking
about Freud, and why he did enough cocaine to kill a
small horse. > Thank you. How are you?
LAMBEAU
Good to see you.
SEAN
Good to see you.
LAMBEAU
Sean
SEAN
Yeah.
LAMBEAU
I think I got something interesting for ya'.
SEAN
What? You hafta' have blood and urine? What's up?
Lockober Restaurant
LAMBEAU
Why didn't you come to the reunion?
SEAN
Ah...you know, I..I've been busy.
LAMBEAU
You were missed.
SEAN
Really?
LAMBEAU
So, how long has it been since we've seen each other?
SEAN
Before Nancy died.
LAMBEAU
Uh, yeah, I'm sorry. I was in Paris. It was that damned
conference. I--
SEAN
Got your card. It was nice.
Funland Batting Cages
BILLY
Com'on! Submit!
WILL
Now that's a good take down.
CHUCKIE
Hey, uh..What happened? You uh..get leniency, or
what?
WILL
I got uh..probation, and then, uh..counseling, two days a
week.
CHUCKIE
Joke. You're a smoothie. Com'on, Morgan, just submit!
MORGAN
Uueeeeuuunnnh!
WILL
Hey, Bill, just--just get off him, we're gunna' miss the
game.
Back At The Restaurant
SEAN
I've got a full schedule.
LAMBEAU
Sean. Sean.
SEAN
And I'm very busy with a full schedule.
LAMBEAU
This--this boy is incredible. I've never seen anything
like him.
SEAN
What makes him so incredible, Gerry?
LAMBEAU
Ever heard of Ramanujan?
SEAN
Yeah, I.......no.
LAMBEAU
It's a man.
SEAN
nn.
LAMBEAU
Lived over a hundred years ago. he was uh..Indian.
LAMBEAU AND SEAN
Dots not feathers.
SEAN
Yeah.
LAMBEAU
And he lived in this tiny hut somewhere in India, but he
had no formal education. He had no access to any
scientific work. and um...but he came across this old
math text. And from this simple text, he was able to
extrapolate theories that had baffled mathematicians for
years.
SEAN
Yeah...continued fractions. He uh..he wrote it with
a..a...
LAMBEAU
Well he--he mailed it to Hardy at
SEAN
Yeah.
LAMBEAU
Cambridge.
SEAN
Yeah.
LAMBEAU
And Hardy immediately recognized the brilliance of his
work.
SEAN
mm-hmm.
LAMBEAU
And brought him over to England. And then they
worked together for years creating some of the most
exciting math theory ever done. Now this..this
Ramanujan, his--his genius was unparalleled, Sean. Now
this boy is just like that.
SEAN
hm.
LAMBEAU
But he's um..he's a bit defensive.
SEAN
nnn.
LAMBEAU
n I need someone who can get through to him.
SEAN
Like me.
LAMBEAU
Yeah, like you.
SEAN
Why?
LAMBEAU
Well, because you have the same kind of background.
SEAN
What background?
LAMBEAU
Well, you're from the same neighborhood.
SEAN
He's from Southie?
LAMBEAU
Yeah.
SEAN
Boy genius from Southie...How many shrinks you go to
before me?
LAMBEAU
Heh...Five.
SEAN
Lemme guess. Barry.
LAMBEAU
Yeah.
SEAN
Henry.
LAMBEAU
Yeah.
SEAN
Not Rich...
LAMBEAU
Sean, please...
SEAN
mm-hmm.
LAMBEAU
Just meet with him. Once a week. Please...
Sean's Office
LAMBEAU
It's a poker game with this kid. Don't let him know what
you got. He's probably even read your book
SEAN
If he can find it. It's going to be hard for him to find.
LAMBEAU
Hi, Will. Com'on in here. This is Sean McGuire. Will
Hunting.
SEAN
How are you?
LAMBEAU
Yeah, let's get started.
WILL
Yeah, let's do it, I'm pumped! Let's let the healing
begin.
SEAN
Will you excuse us?
LAMBEAU
Yeah, please, Tom.
SEAN
You, too, Gerry.
LAMBEAU
Yeah, of course.
SEAN
< How are you? Where are you from in Southie?
WILL
I like what you've done with the place.
SEAN
Oh, thanks.
WILL
Do you buy all these books retail or do you send away
for like a shrink kit that comes with all these volumes
included?
SEAN
Do you like books?
WILL
Yeah.
SEAN
Did you read any of these books?
WILL
I dunno.
SEAN
How about any of these books?
WILL
Probably not.
SEAN
What about the ones on the top shelf? You read those?
WILL
Yeah, I read those.
SEAN
Good for you. What do you think about 'em?
WILL
Hey I'm not here for a fuckin' book report. They're
your books. What don't you read them?
SEAN
I did. I had to.
WILL
That must'a taken you a long time.
SEAN
Yeah, it did.
WILL
The United States of America, A Complete History,
Volume I. Jesus...You wanna read a real History book,
read Howard Zinn's People of the United States, that
book will fuckin' knock you on your ass.
SEAN
Better than Chomsky's Manufacturing Consent? You
think that's a good book?
WILL
You fuckin' people baffle me. Spend all your money on
these fuckin' fancy books you surround yourselves with
'em and they're the wrong fucking books.
SEAN
Then what're the right fuckin' books, Will?
WILL
Hey, whatever blows your hair back.
SEAN
Yeah...I haven't got much hair left. Hey..you know
you'd be better off shoving that cigarette up your ass,
it'd probably be healthier for you.
WILL
Yeah, I know, it really gets in the way of my Yoga.
SEAN
You work out, huh?
WILL
What, you lift?
SEAN
Yeah.
WILL
You on Nautilus?
SEAN
No, on free weights.
WILL
Oh really?
SEAN
Yeah.
WILL
Free weights, huh?
SEAN
Yeah, big time.
WILL
eah.
SEAN
Just like that.
WILL
What do you bench?
SEAN
285. What do you bench?
WILL
<<< You paint that?
SEAN
Yeah. You paint?
WILL
uh-unh.
SEAN
Do you sculpt?
WILL
Nope.
SEAN
Dya' like art? Do ya' like music?
WILL
It's a real piece of shit.
SEAN
Oh..Well, tell me what you really think.
WILL
Uh, just the--the linear n impressionistic mix makes a
very muddled composition. It's also a Winslow Homer
rip-off, except you got Whitey uh..rowin the boat there.
SEAN
Well, it's art, Monet...wasn't very good.
WILL
That's not really what concerns me, though.
SEAN
What concerns you?
WILL
It's the coloring.
SEAN
You know what the real bitch of it is? It's paint by
number.
WILL
Is it color by number? Because the colors are fascinating
to me.
SEAN
Are they really? What about that?
WILL
I think you're about one step away from cuttin' your
fuckin' ear off.
SEAN
Really?
WILL
Oh yeah..
SEAN
Think I should move to the south of France n change my
name to Vincent.
WILL
You ever heard the saying "any port in a storm?"
SEAN
Yeah.
WILL
Yeah, maybe that means you.
SEAN
In what way?
WILL
ell, maybe you're in the middle of a storm, a big fuckin'
storm.
SEAN
eah, maybe.
WILL
The sky's fallin' on your head, the waves are crashin'
over your little boat, the oars are about to snap. You
just piss in your pants, you're cryin' for the harbors,
and maybe you do what you gotta do to get out. Yeah,
maybe you became a psychologist.
SEAN
Bingo. That's it. Lemme do my job now, we still have a
minute. Com'on.
WILL
Maybe you married the wrong woman.
SEAN
Maybe you should watch your mouth. Watch it right
there, chief, all right? >>>
WILL
Ah...Well, that's it, isn't it? You married the wrong
woman. What happened? What, d'she leave you? Was
she, you know, banging some other guy?
SEAN
If you ever disrespect my wife again, I will end you, I
will fuckin' end you. Got that, chief?
WILL
Time's up.
SEAN
Yeah. >
In The Hallway
WILL
At ease, gentlemen.
Sean's Office
LAMBEAU
You okay?. . . . I--I'll understand if you don't wanna
meet with him again.
SEAN
Thursday, four o'clock. Make sure the kid's here.
LAMBEAU
Yeah....Thanks.....
Toy Shop
TOY STORE CASHIER
Well, you look lovely in those glasses.
SKYLAR
Thank you very much.
TOY STORE CASHIER
Just beautiful.
SKYLAR
Yes. I always wanted a..blue eye-shadow.
TOY STORE CASHIER
Wonderful.
SKYLAR
Growing up in England, you know, I went to a very
nice school. You know, it was kind of progressive,
organic, do-it-yourself, private school. Then Harvard.
And then med-school. You know, if you think about it,
at the end, my brain's going to be worth two hundred
and fifty thousand dollars...That sounded horrible,
didn't it?.....Bring me another maitai!
WILL
No, that's cool, I mean, I bet your parents were happy
to pay.
SKYLAR
No one else had to pay. I inherited the money.
WILL
Wow..well is uh...is Harvard gettin' all that money?
SKYLAR
No, Stanford. I'm going there in June when I graduate.
WILL
Oh, all right, so you just wanted to--to use this sailor
and then uh..run away, huh?
SKYLAR
Well, I was gunna, you know, experiment on you for
anatomy class first. Obviously.
WILL
In that case, that's fine. Hey, you wanna see my magic
trick, Skylar?
SKYLAR
Of course.
WILL
All right. All right...This one's for you, Rudolph.
SKYLAR
Wait, wait, you need my wand.
WILL
All right, gimme a hit. Thank you. All right. I'll make
all these caramels disappear. Y'ready? One. Two.
Three.
SKYLAR
hhhhhhhaaaaaaw...
WILL
They're all gone. Yeah...It works better when I have my
rabbit.
At a Cafe in Harvard Square
WILL
<<<< Well, I don't really date, you know, that much.
SKYLAR
How very unfortunate. I think for me. You know what I
mean. I know you've been thinking about this.
(reference to Annie Hall, 1977)
WILL
Oh-ho, no I haven't.
SKYLAR
Yes you have.
WILL
Oh, no, I really haven't.
SKYLAR
Yes you have! You were hoping to get a goodnight
kiss.
WILL
Well, you know, I'll tell you, I was hopin' to get a
goodnight laid....But I'll settle for like, a kiss, you
know.
SKYLAR
How very noble of you.
WILL
Thank you. No, I was--I was hopin' for a kiss.
SKYLAR
Well, why don't we just get it over with now?
WILL
Right now?
SKYLAR
Yup. Com'on..=-*..I think I got some of your pickle.
>>>>
Sean's Office
WILL
You again, huh?
SEAN
Come with me.
Swan Pond in Boston Common
WILL
So what's this? A Taster's Choice moment between
guys? This is really nice. You got a thing for swans? Is
this like a fetish? It's something, like, maybe we need
to devote some time to?
SEAN
< I thought about what you said to me the other day,
about my painting.
WILL
eah?
SEAN
Stayed up half the night thinking about it. Something
occurred to me, I fell into a deep peaceful sleep, and I
haven't thought about you since. You know what
occurred to me?
WILL
No.
SEAN
You're just a kid. You don't have the faintest idea what
you're talking about.
WILL
Why thank you.
SEAN
It's all right. You've never been out of Boston.
WILL
Nope.
SEAN
<<< So, if I asked you about art, you'd probably give
me the skinny on every art book ever written.
Michelangelo. You know a lot about him. Life's work,
political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual
orientation, the whole works, right? But I bet you
can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel.
You've never actually stood there and looked up at that
beautiful ceiling. Seen that....If I ask you about
women, you'd probably give me a syllabus of your
personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few
times. But you can't tell me what it feels like to wake
up next to a woman and feel truly happy. You're a
tough kid. I ask you about war, you'd probably
uh...throw Shakespeare at me, right? "Once more into
the breach, dear friends." But you've never been near
one. You've never held your best friend's head in your
lap, and watched him gasp his last breath looking to
you for help. I ask you about love, y'probably quote
me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and
been totally vulnerable...known someone that could
level you with her eyes. Feeling like God put an angel
on Earth just for you..who could rescue you from the
depths of Hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like
to be her angel, n to have that love for her be there
forever. Through anything. Through cancer. And you
wouldn't know about sleepin' sittin' up in a hospital
room for two months, holding her hand because the
doctors could see in your eyes that the terms visiting
hours don't apply to you. You don't know about real
loss, because that only occurs when you love
something more than you love yourself. I doubt you've
ever dared to love anybody that much. I look at you: I
don't see an intelligent, confident man. I see a cocky,
scared shitless kid. But you're a genius, Will. No one
denies that. no one could possibly understand the
depths of you. But you presume to know everything
about me because you saw a painting of mine and
ripped my fuckin' life apart. You're an orphan, right?
Do you think I'd know the first thing about how hard
your life has been, how you feel, who you are because
I read Oliver Twist? Does that encapsulate you?
Personally, I don't give a shit about that, because you
know what? I can't learn anything from you I can't
read in some fuckin' book. Unless you wanna talk
about you, who you are. And I'm fascinated. I'm in.
But you don't wanna do that, do you, sport? You're
terrified of what you might say. >>> Your move,
chief. >
At a Phone Booth out in the Rain and Skylar's Room
SKYLAR
Hello. Hello? Hello...Professor Valenti, are you calling
me again? Freak.
In Car
WILL
Ugh, it's pouring.
CHUCKIE
Who'd you call?
WILL
No one. I forgot the number.
MORGAN
You're fucking retarded. You went all the way out
there in the rain and you didn't bring the number?
WILL
< No, it was your mother's 900 number, I just ran
outta' quarters.
MORGAN
Why don't we get off of mothers I just got off of
yours. >
BILLY
That's pretty funny, Morgan.
(throwing beer can at Morgan's head)
Here's your fuckin' nickle bitch.
MORGAN
Keep antagonizing me, watch what happens!
BILLY
All right, then, Morgan.
MORGAN
Watch what happens.
BILLY
All right then, Morgan.
MORGAN
Watch what happens...keep fucking with me.
Sean's Office
SEAN
No smoking.
Later
LAMBEAU
What do you mean you didn't talk? You were in there
for an hour.
SEAN
He just sat there counting the seconds until the session
was over. Pretty impressive, actually.
LAMBEAU
Why would he do that?
SEAN
t'Prove to me he doesn't have to talk to me if he
doesn't want to.
LAMBEAU
< What is this, some kind of staring contest between
two kids from the old neighborhood?
SEAN
Yeah, it is. And I can't talk first. >
Lambeau's Office
LAMBEAU
We know your theory, Alexander, but the boy's found
a simple geometrical picture.
MIT PROFESSOR
A tree structure won't work.
LAMBEAU
Look, now, he's joining the two vertices.
MIT PROFESSOR
But I can do the sum.
LAMBEAU
Well, it's how you group the terms, Alexander.
MIT PROFESSOR
But, Gerry, if we do the whole thing this way then--
WILL
Hey, look, look. I wrote it down. It's--it's simpler this
way.
TOM
Sometimes people get lucky. You're a brilliant man.
Sean's Office
WILL
< You know, I was on this plane once. And I'm sitting
there and uh...the captain gets on, he does his whole,
you know, we'll be cruisin' at 35,000 feet. But then he
puts the mic down n forgets to turn it off.
SEAN
mm-hmm.
WILL
And so he turns to the co-pilot n he's like, "you know,
all I could use right now is a fuckin' blow job and a cup
of coffee." So the stewardess fuckin' goes bombin' up
from the back of the plane to tell him that the
microphone's still on. N this guy in the back of the plane
is like, "Hey, hon, don't forget the coffee!" >
SEAN
You ever been on a plane?
WILL
No, but it's a fuckin' joke. It works better if I tell it in
the first person.
SEAN
Yeah, it does.
WILL
I have been laid, you know.
SEAN
Really? Good for you.
WILL
Big time.
SEAN
Big time, huh?
WILL
<<< I went on a date last week.
SEAN
How'd it go?
WILL
It was good.
SEAN
Goin' out again?
WILL
I dunno.
SEAN
Why not?
WILL
Haven't called her.
SEAN
Christ, you're an amateur.
WILL
I know what I'm doin'.
SEAN
Yeah.
WILL
< Yeah. Don't worry about me, I know what I'm doin'.
Yeah, but this girl is like, you know, beautiful. She's
smart. She's funny. She's different from most of the
girls I've been with.
SEAN
So, call her up, Romeo.
WILL
Why? So I can realize she's not that smart, that she's
fuckin' boring? Y'know--I mean...this girl is like
fuckin' perfect right now, I don't wanna r--ruin that.
SEAN
Maybe you're perfect right now. Maybe you don't
wanna ruin that. I think that's a super philosophy, Will,
that way you can go through your entire life without
ever having to really know anybody....My wife used to
fart when she was nervous. She had all sorts of
wonderful idiosyncrasies. You know what? She used to
fart in her sleep. Sorry I shared that with you. One
night it was so loud it woke the dog up. She woke up
and gone like "oh was that you?" 'd say yeah...I didn't
have the heart to tell her...Oh God...
WILL
She woke herself up?
SEAN
Ye e e e sss....> Oh Christ....aahhh, but, Will, she's been
dead two years and that's the shit I remember.
Wonderful stuff, you know, little things like that. Ah,
but, those are the things I miss the most. The little
idiosyncrasies that only I knew about. That's what made
her my wife. Oh and she had the goods on me, too, she
knew all my little peccadillos. < People call these things
imperfections, but they're not, aw that's the good stuff. >
And then we get to choose who we let in to our weird
little worlds. < You're not perfect, sport. And let me
save you the suspense. This girl you met, she isn't
perfect either. But the question is: whether or not you're
perfect for each other. > That's the whole deal. That's
what intimacy is all about. Now you can know
everything in the world, sport, but the only way you're
findin' out that one is by givin' it a shot. You certainly
won't learn from an old fucker like me. < Even if I did
know, I wouldn't tell a piss ant like you. >
WILL
Why not? You told me every other fuckin' thing. Jesus
Christ. Fuckin' talk more than any shrink I ever seen in
my life.
SEAN
I teach this shit, I didn't say I know how to do it.
WILL
Yeah.......You ever think about gettin' remarried?
SEAN
My wife's dead.
WILL
Hence the word: remarried.
SEAN
She's dead.
WILL
Yeah.. < Well, I think that's a super philosophy, Sean. I
mean that way you could actually go through the rest of
your life without ever really knowing anybody.
SEAN
Time's up. >>>>
Outside Harvard Dorms
WILL
Hold the door.
HARVARD STUDENT
Okay.
WILL
Thank you.
Skylar's Room
SKYLAR
Hello.
WILL
Hey.
SKYLAR
Where've you been?
WILL
I'm sorry, I've been like..I've been really busy and..but
uh..
SKYLAR
Me too..yeah..I have...I thought you'd call.
WILL
Yeah, um...
SKYLAR
I mean we really had a good time.
WILL
I had a really good time, too, I mean, I just, I..I'm
sorry, you know, I--I blew it.
SKYLAR
No..no. I mean that, you know, it's all right.
WILL
eah..so I was..I was wonderin' if uh..if, you know,
you'd give me another crack at it, you know, lemme
take you out again.
SKYLAR
Oh, I can't.
WILL
All right.
SKYLAR
Oh no, I didn't..I didn't mean I can't, like, EVER. I
just, can't right now. I've got to assign the proton
spectrum for ibogamine. Although it sounds really
really interesting it's actually fantastically boring.
WILL
All right. Um...
SKYLAR
Maybe some other time.
WILL
Like tomorrow?
SKYLAR
um...yeah, all right.
WILL
Okay.
SKYLAR
kay.
WILL
Cool.
SKYLAR
Bye.
WILL
Bye.
Later
SKYLAR
< What're you doing here?
WILL
I couldn't wait till tomorrow.
SKYLAR
Where the fuck did you get this?
WILL
I had to sleep with someone in your class.
SKYLAR
Ohhhh, I hope it was the one with the open toed sandals
and the really bad breath.
WILL
Com'on let's go have some fun.
SKYLAR
No. I--I've got to learn this.
WILL
Well, you're not going into surgery tomorrow, are ya'?
SKYLAR
No.
WILL
Let's go. >
Wonderland Dog Track
SKYLAR
Oh my God my dog is winning! Go Misty! Go on run!
Look at that. Com'on. Look there it goes. Misty run.
Run!
WILL
You won.
SKYLAR
I totally won!...So, did you grow up around here, then?
WILL
Not far. South Boston.
SKYLAR
I'm still glowing from my win.
WILL
Yeah, I know. I mean look at you, you're just so happy.
SKYLAR
And what was that like then?
WILL
It was, you know, normal, I guess. Nothin' special.
SKYLAR
Do you got lots of brothers and sisters?
WILL
Do I have a lot of brothers and sisters?
SKYLAR
That's what I said.
WILL
Well, I'm Irish Catholic. What do you think?
SKYLAR
Oh...That's right. But how many?
WILL
Aw, you wouldn't believe me if I told you.
SKYLAR
Why? Go on. What? Five? Seven? Eight? How many?
WILL
< I have twelve big brothers.
SKYLAR
You do not.
WILL
No, I swear to God. I swear to God. I'm lucky 13 right
here.
SKYLAR
Do you know all their names?
WILL
Do I--? Yeah they're my brothers.
SKYLAR
What're they called?
WILL
Marky, Ricky, Danny, Terry, Mikey, Davey, Timmy,
Tommy, Joey, Robby, Johnny, and Brian.
SKYLAR
Say it again.
WILL
Marky, Ricky, Danny, Terry, Mikey, Davey, Timmy,
Tommy, Joey, Robby, Johnny, and Brian.
SKYLAR
And Willy.
WILL
Willy?
SKYLAR
Yeah.
WILL
Will. >
SKYLAR
Wow. Do you still see all of them?
WILL
Yeah. Well, they all live in Southie I--I'm livin' with
three of them right now.
SKYLAR
Oh yeah?
WILL
Yeah.
SKYLAR
'ell, I'd like to meet them.
WILL
Yeah, we'll do that.
Sean's Office
WILL
Oh, you know, I read your book last night.
SEAN
Oh, so you're the one.
WILL
Do you still uh...do you still counsel veterans?
SEAN
No..I don't.
WILL
Why not?
SEAN
Well, I gave it up when my wife got sick.
WILL
You ever wonder what your life would be like if you
uh..if you never met your wife?
SEAN
What? Wonder if I'd be better off without her?
WILL
no,no,no, I'm not saying, like, better off.
SEAN
No.
WILL
I didn't mean it like that.
SEAN
It's all right. It's an important question. < Cus' you'll
have bad times, but that'll always wake you up to the
good stuff you weren't paying attention to. >
WILL
And you don't regret meetin' your wife?
SEAN
Why? Because of the pain I feel now? Well, I got
regrets, Will, but I don't regret a single day I spent with
her.
WILL
<<<< So, when did you know, like, that she was the one
for you?
SEAN
October 21st, 1975.
WILL
Jesus Christ. You know the fuckin' date?
SEAN
Oh yeah. Cus' it was game six of the World Series.
Biggest game in Red Sox history.
WILL
Yeah, sure.
SEAN
My friends and I had, you know, slept out on the
sidewalk all night to get tickets.
WILL
You got tickets?
SEAN
Yep. Day of the game. I was sittin' in a bar, waitin' for
the game to start, and in walks this girl. Oh it was an
amazing game, though. You know, bottom of the 8th
Carbo ties it up at a 6-6. It went to 12. Bottom of the
12th, in stepped Carlton Fisk. Old Pudge. Steps up to the
plate, you know, and he's got that weird stance.
WILL
Yeah, yeah.
SEAN
And BAM! He clocks it. High fly ball down the left field
line! Thirty-five thousand people, on their feet, yellin'
at the ball, but that's not because of Fisk. He's wavin' at
the ball like a madman.
WILL
Yeah, I've seen...
SEAN
He's going, "Get over! Get over! Get OVER!" And then
it HITS the foul pole. OH, he goes apeshit, and 35,000
fans, you know, they charge the field, you know? >
WILL
Yeah, and he's fuckin' bowlin' police out of the way!
SEAN
Goin' "God! Get out of the way! Get 'em away!"
Banging people..
WILL
I can't fuckin' believe you had tickets to that fuckin'
game!
SEAN
Yeah!
WILL
< Did you rush the field?
SEAN
No..I didn't rush the fuckin' field, I wasn't there.
WILL
What?
SEAN
No..I was in a bar havin' a drink with my future wife. >
WILL
You missed Pudge Fisk's homerun?
SEAN
Oh yeah.
WILL
To have a fuckin' drink with some lady you never met?
SEAN
Yeah, but you shoulda' seen her. She was a stunner.
WILL
I don't care if fuckin'--
SEAN
Oh no, no, she lit up the room.
WILL
I don't care if Helen of Troy walks in the room, that's
game six!
SEAN
Oh, Helen of Troy..
WILL
< Oh my God, and who are these fuckin' friends of
yours they let you get away with that?
SEAN
Oh...They had to.
WILL
W-w-w-what'd you say to them?
SEAN
I just slid my ticket across the table and I said, "Sorry
guys, I gotta' see about a girl."
WILL
I gotta' go see about a girl?
SEAN
Yeah.
WILL
That's what you said? And they let you get away with
that?
SEAN
Oh yeah. They saw in my eyes that I meant it.
WILL
You're kiddin' me.
SEAN
No, I'm not kiddin' you, Will. That's why I'm not
talkin' right now about some girl I saw at a bar twenty
years ago and how I always regretted not going over
and talking to her. >>> I don't regret the 18 years I was
married to Nancy. I don't regret the six years I had to
give up counseling when she got sick. And I don't regret
the last years when she got really sick. And I sure as hell
don't regret missin' the damn game. That's regret.
WILL
Wow...> Woulda' been nice to catch that game, though.
SEAN
I didn't know Pudge was gunna hit a homer.
Skylar's Room
SKYLAR
You know, I'm very very useful on the court. I'm
extremely tall.
WILL
You're not that tall.
SKYLAR
I dunk....Will I ever play in the NBA?....It is decidedly
so. hm. Why do we always stay here?
WILL
Cus' it's nicer than my place.
SKYLAR
Yes, but I've never seen your place.
WILL
I know.
SKYLAR
When am I going to meet your friends, and your
brothers?
WILL
Oh...well, they don't really come down here that much.
SKYLAR
Well, I think I can make it to South Boston.
WILL
It's kind of a hike.
SKYLAR
Is it me you're hiding from them or the other way
around?
WILL
All right, we'll go.
SKYLAR
When?
WILL
I dunno..We'll go sometime next week.
SKYLAR
< What if I said I would not sleep with you again until
you let me meet your friends?
WILL
I'd say it's like 4:30 in the morning, they're probably
up.
SKYLAR
Oh my god. Men are shameless. If you're not thinking
with your wiener, then you're acting directly on its
behalf.
WILL
You bet. And on behalf of my wiener, can I get like an
advanced payment? >
SKYLAR
Well, let's ask....Outlook does not look good.
CHUCKIE
(over the telephone)
What?
WILL
Fuck tha--Hey, Chuck, no, nothing. Go back to sleep.
Outlook does not--that's the same thing that told you you
was gunna play in the NBA.
SKYLAR
Well, exactly, so look out. You'd better start buying
some season tickets. I--I plan to..I'm tall. I like wearing
shorts. Hook hook! Dunk dunk!
WILL
You're not that tall.
SKYLAR
Yes I am. Maybe I'm all about three points.
WILL
I'm all about homeruns.
SKYLAR
Stop mixing your sporting...
L Street Bar and Grille
CHUCKIE
The leprechaun's uh..got his dick in the monkey's ass
and the monkey comes running in going, "I don't..."
MORGAN
Will, I can't believe you brought Skylar here when
we're fuckin' all bombed and drinking.
WILL
Hey no, Morgan, it's a real rarity we'd be all drinkin'.
CHUCKIE
You know, my uncle Marty drinks. Yeah. Been goin' on a
bender (?) for six, eight months.
BILLY
Yeah.
CHUCKIE
I ever tell you what happened to him when he was
driving up there and he got pulled over? I told you
guys, right?
WILL
Uncle Marty. yeah.
MORGAN
You did tell us.
CHUCKIE
Well, let me tell you--well, let me tell you what
happened to my Uncle Marty because good reason you
oughtta' know this.
MORGAN
He's always tellin' stories over here. Every time we
come here he's got another story. But we all heard this
one. Go ahead. Just say it anyway, go ahead.
CHUCKIE
I will go ahead. Thanks a lot. I guess I have the floor,
now. Um...yeah, my uncle Marty's drivin' home, right?
Bombed out of his tree, right. Just hammered out of his
gourd. Just cracked. And this state trooper, uh..sees
him, pulls him over. So, my uncle's fucked, basically.
Got him out of the car, try to make him walk the line.
He gets out of the car and, you know, pukes on the guy.
Statie's pretty sure he's over the legal limit. So, he's
about to throw the cuffs on him and put him in jail. And
all of a sudden fifty yards down the road, there's this
huge fuckin' boom, right. So, Statie gets real spooked,
and he turns around...
MORGAN
Gunshot?
CHUCKIE
No, some, some...You've heard this story before...Some
other guy's car had hit a tree. Okay, there was an
accident. Anyway.
MORGAN
How can he hear the other--
CHUCKIE
Shut the fuck up! Shut up. Okay. Shut up.
BILLY
You're driving me nuts, Morgan. He told you this story
once before, Morgan.
CHUCKIE
So, he tells my uncle, "Stay here. Don't move." So the
Statie goes running down the..road to deal with the
other accident. After a few minutes of--of just lying in
his own piss and vomit, my uncle starts wonderin' what
he's doing there. Gets up. Gets in his car. And just
drives home. Well, the next morning, my uncle's just
passed out, and hears this knocking at the door. So he
goes downstairs, fuckin' pulls the door open. "What!"
It's the state trooper that pulled him over. Statie's like,
"What the fuck do you mean, 'What?' You know what. I
pulled you over last night is what, and you fuckin' took
off." He's like "Bitch, I never seen you before in my
life. I've been home all night with my kids. I don't know
who the fuck you are." He's like, "You know who I am.
Lemme get in your garage." And my uncle's like
"What?" He's like, "you heard me, lemme get in your
garage." He's like, "All right, fine." Takes him out to
the garage and opens the door, and there's...the Statie's
police cruiser, is in my uncle's garage. He was so
fuckin' hammered he drove the wrong car home. And
the best part about it is, the fuckin' state trooper had
been so embarrassed, he didn't do anything. Cus' he'd
been drivin' around all night in my uncle's Chevelle
lookin' for the house.
MORGAN
All right, Chuck. What the fuck is the point to your
story?
CHUCKIE
Well, he got away. That's the point.
MORGAN
Well, question. Are you--are you--?
BILLY
Com'on, stop it.
MORGAN
I'm trying to clarify something probably you're too
embarrassed to ask cus' you know it doesn't make any
sense.
BILLY
It does make sense if you listen to the story and quit
asking questions.
SKYLAR
< Well, let's see if you can get this one. I've got a little
story for you. All right. There's an old couple in bed.
Mary and Paddy. And they wake up on the morning
their..fiftieth anniversary. And Mary looks over and
gazes adoringly at Paddy, she's like, "Aw, Jesus, Paddy.
You're such a good lookin' feller. I love you. I want to
give you a little present. Anything your little heart
desires, I'm going to give it to ya'. What would you
like?" And Paddy's like, "Aw, gee, Mary, that's a very
sweet offer. Now, in fifty years, there's one thing that's
been missing. And uh...I would like you to give me a
blow job. I would like that." And Mary's like, "All
right." She takes her teeth out, puts them in the glass,
and she gives him a blow job. And afterwards, Paddy's
like, "Ah, geez, now THAT's what I've been missin'.
That was the most beautiful, Earth-shatterin' thing ever.
Beautiful Mary, I love ya'! Is there anything that I can
do for you?" And Mary looks up at him and she goes,
"Give us a kiss!"
CHUCKIE
Oh my god!
BILLY
That's filthy.
MORGAN
It's not that filthy. I've heard filthier. >
Outside
BILLY
See you guys, Sunday
CHUCKIE
All right, take it easy, Bill. So, Skylar, thanks for
coming by. You changed my opinion of Harvard people.
SKYLAR
Oh, well you don't wanna rush to judgement on that one
cus', you know, they're not all like me.
CHUCKIE
Well, I'm sure. It was nice to meet you.
WILL
Take it easy.
CHUCKIE
Oh, all right.
WILL
Slowly back away.
CHUCKIE
Brother!
WILL
I dunno what you're doing. You're giving us a ride.
CHUCKIE
What the fuck do I look like to you?
MORGAN
Com'on, Chuck!
CHUCKIE
Cus' you're walkin' bitch! Will's takin' the car!
WILL
All right. Thanks, Chuck. I appreciate it.
CHUCKIE
Well, don't be getting all serious about it. You're
dropping me off first.
WILL
It's really out of the way.
CHUCKIE
Oh..Okay...Just cus' you don't hafta' sleep in your one
room palace tonight don't start thinkin' you're bad.
SKYLAR
Hey, wait a minute, you said we were going to see your
place.
WILL
No, not tonight.
CHUCKIE
Oh, no, not tonight. Not any other night, hon. He knows
once you see that little shithole he's getting dropped like
a bad habit.
SKYLAR
But I want to meet your brothers.
WILL
No, we're going to do that another time.
SKYLAR
All right.
WILL
Get them keys?
Timmy's Tap
SEAN
<The stewardess hears this and goes hauling ass down the
aisle. And I yell, "Don't forget the coffee!"
GUY AT THE BAR
Bullshit. You didn't say that.
TIMMY
For Christ's sake, Marty, it's a joke.
SEAN
Yeah, I know someone it actually happened to, Marty.
TIMMY
A joke.
SEAN
Gerry. Hi. Trouble finding the place?
LAMBEAU
No. I took a cab.
SEAN
Timmy, this is Gerry. We went to college together.
TIMMY
How're you doin'? Nice to meet you.
LAMBEAU
Nice to meet you.
SEAN
Can I get you a beer?
LAMBEAU
Um..No, just a perrier.
SEAN
That's French for Club Soda.
TIMMY
Oh. Club soda, yeah.
SEAN
Yeah.
TIMMY
Yeah.
SEAN
Couple a sandwiches, too.
TIMMY
Sure.
SEAN
Put it on my tab.
TIMMY
You ever plan on paying your tab?
SEAN
Yeah, chief. Got the winning lottery ticket right here.
TIMMY
What's the jackpot?
SEAN
Twelve million.
TIMMY
I don't think that'll cover it.
SEAN
Yeah, but it'll cover your sex change
operation>..........Nuts?
LAMBEAU
No, thank you.
SEAN
<So, you wanted to talk about Will.
LAMBEAU
Well, it seems to be going well.
SEAN
I think so.
LAMBEAU
Have you talked to him at all about his future?
SEAN
No..we haven't gotten into that yet. We're still banging
away at the past.
LAMBEAU
Well, maybe you should. My phone's been ringing off
the hook with job offers.
SEAN
What kind?
LAMBEAU
Well, cutting edge mathematics. Think tanks. The kind
of place where a mind like Will's is given free reign.
SEAN
That's...that's great that there are offers, but I--I don't
really think he's ready for that.
LAMBEAU
I'm not sure you understand, Sean.
SEAN
Well, what don't I understand?
TIMMY
Here you go guys.
SEAN
Thanks, Tim.
LAMBEAU
Yeah, thank you.
TIMMY
So, you don't get sticky fingers.
LAMBEAU
Tim, can you help us? We're trying to settle a bet.
TIMMY
Uh-oh.
LAMBEAU
You ever heard of Jonas Salk?
TIMMY
Sure. Cured polio.
LAMBEAU
And you've heard of Albert Einstein?
TIMMY
hmph. . Hey..
LAMBEAU
How about, Gerald Lambeau? Ever heard of him?
TIMMY
No.
LAMBEAU
Thank you, Tim.
TIMMY
So, who won the bet?
LAMBEAU
I did...This isn't about me Sean. I'm...I'm nothing
compared to this young man.
TIMMY
(to the man at the bar)
You ever hear of Gerald Lambeau?
LAMBEAU
In 1905 there were hundreds of professors renowned
for their study of the universe, but it was a..it was a 26
year old Swiss patent clerk, doing physics in his spare
time who changed the world. Can you imagine if
Einstein would have given that up just to get drunk with
his buddies and bombed (?) every night. We all would
have lost something. Tim would never have heard of
him.>
SEAN
Pretty dramatic, Gerry.
LAMBEAU
No it isn't, Sean. This boy has that gift. He just hasn't
got the direction, but..we can give that to him.
SEAN
<Hey, Gerry. In the 1960's there was a young man
graduated from the University of Michigan. Did some
brilliant work in mathematics. Specifically bounded
harmonic functions. Then he went on to Berkeley, was
assistant professor, showed amazing potential, then he
moved to Montana and he blew the competition away.
LAMBEAU
Yeah, so who was he?
SEAN
Ted Kaczynski.
LAMBEAU
Never heard of him.
SEAN
Hey, Timmy!
TIMMY
Yo!
SEAN
Who's Ted Kaczynski?
TIMMY
Unabomber.>
LAMBEAU
That's exactly what I'm talking about. We gotta' give
this kid direction. He can contribute to the world
and..and we can help him do that.
SEAN
Direction's one thing. Manipulation's another. All right?
LAMBEAU
Sean!
SEAN
We hafta' let him find his own--
LAMBEAU
Sean! I'm not sitting at home every night twisting my
mustache and hatching a..hatching a plan to ruin this
boy's life. I was doing advanced mathematics when I
was..when I was 18, and it still took me over 20 years to
do something worthy of a Fields medal.
SEAN
Well, maybe he doesn't want what you want. There's
more to life than a fuckin' Fields medal.
LAMBEAU
This is too important, Sean. And it's above personal
rivalry.
SEAN
Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Gerry. Let's talk about the
boy. Why don't we give him time to figure out what he
wants?
LAMBEAU
That's a wonderful theory, Sean, it worked wonders for
you, didn't it?
SEAN
Yeah, it did, you arrogant fuckin' prick!
LAMBEAU
'ell, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I came here today. I came
here out of courtesy. I--I wanted to keep you in the
loop.
SEAN
Yeah, well, nice to be in the loop.
LAMBEAU
The boy's in a meeting right now I set up for him..over
at McNeil.
Interview at McNeil
EXECUTIVE #1
<Well, Will, uh, I'm not exactly sure what you mean,
uh...We've already offered you a position.
CHUCKIE
Nobody in this town works without a retainer, guys.
You think you can find somebody who does, let me tell
you you have my blessing. But I think we all know that
person's not going to represent you as well as I can.
EXECUTIVE #2
Will, our offer is 84,000 dollars a year plus benefits.
CHUCKIE
Reeeeetaaaaaineeeer! Retainer.
EXECUTIVE #2
You want us to give you cash right now?
CHUCKIE
Oh, ho, ho..oh ee ee now I didn't say that. Allegedly,
your situation, for you would be concurrently improved
if I had 200 dollars in my back pocket right now.
EXECUTIVE #1
hmm...Well, I don't think I--I can uh...uh..Larry?
EXECUTIVE #2
I've got uh..73 dollars.
EXECUTIVE #1
Will you uh...Take a check?
CHUCKIE
Let me tell you something: you're suspect. Yeah you. I
don't know what your reputation is, in this town, but
after the shit you tried to pull today, you can bet I'll be
lookin' into you. Now, the business we have here to
fore, you can speak with my aforementioned attorney.
Good day gentlemen, and until that day comes, keep
your ear to the grindstone.>
Outdoor Cafe
WILL
<How's it goin'?
SKYLAR
Fine.
WILL
Yeah? Good. You want some help?
SKYLAR
No.
WILL
Come on, give me one little peek and we'll go to the
batting cages.
SKYLAR
Noooooooooooooo. It is actually important that I learn
this. It's really important.
WILL
All right.
SKYLAR
To me. Okay?
WILL
All right. Hell, why don't we just hang out here all day?
SKYLAR
Yes, why don't we? All right, Mr. nosy Parker, seeing
as your intent on breaking my balls. Lemme ask you a
question.
WILL
All right.
SKYLAR
Do you have a photographic memory?
WILL
I dunno. I just kind'a remember, you know, I mean how
do you remember your phone number? You know, you
just do.
SKYLAR
Well, have you studied organic chemistry?
WILL
A little bit.
SKYLAR
Oh, just for fun.
WILL
Yeah, for kicks.
SKYLAR
Yeah, it's SO much fun studying organic chemistry. Are
you mad? Have you completely lost your mind? Nobody
studies it for fun. It's not a ne--necessity, especially for
someone like you.
WILL
Someone like me?
SKYLAR
Yeah. Someone who divides their time for the evening
between batting cages and bars. I would hardly say it
was a necessity. You know there are very smart people
here at Harvard, and even they have to study because
this is really hard. And yet, you do it so easily I don't
understand, I-I-I don't understand how your mind
works.
WILL
Do you play the piano?
SKYLAR
I wanna talk about this.
WILL
No, I'm tryin' to explain it to you. Do you play the
piano?
SKYLAR
Yeah, a bit.
WILL
All right so when you--when you look at a piano you see
Mozart.
SKYLAR
I see Chopsticks.
WILL
All right, well, Beethoven, okay, he looked at a piano
and it just made sense to him. He could just play.
SKYLAR
So, what're you saying? You play the piano?
WILL
No. Not a lick. I mean, I look at a piano, I see a bunch'a
keys, three pedals, and a box of wood. but Beethoven,
Mozart, they saw it, they could just play. I couldn't paint
you a picture, I probably can't hit the ball out of
Fenway, and I can't play the piano.
SKYLAR
But you can do my O Chem paper in under an hour.
WILL
Right. Well, I mean, when it came to stuff like that, I
could always just play. That's the best I can explain it.
SKYLAR
Come here. I hafta' say something.
WILL
Huh?
SKYLAR
I have to tell you something.
WILL
Oh.
SKYLAR
Well....=-* It's not fair.
WILL
What's not fair? What?
SKYLAR
I've been here for four years, and I've only just found
you.
WILL
Well, you found me.>
Skylar's Room
SKYLAR
<You awake?
WILL
No.
SKYLAR
Yes you are. Will, come to California with me.
WILL
What?
SKYLAR
I want you to come to California with me.
WILL
Are you sure about that?
SKYLAR
Oh yeah.
WILL
Yeah, but how do you know?
SKYLAR
I dunno. I just know.
WILL
Yeah, but h--how do you know?
SKYLAR
I know because I feel it.
WILL
Because that's a really serious thing to say.
SKYLAR
But, I know.
WILL
You could be in California next week and, you know,
you might find out something about me you don't like
and, you know, maybe you'll wish you hadn't said that
and then, you know, it's such a serious thing that you
can't take it back and now I'm stuck in California with
someone who doesn't really want to be with me who just
wishes they had a takeback.
SKYLAR
A what? What's a takeback? I don't want a takeback. I
just want you to come to California with me.
WILL
Well, I can't go to California with you.
SKYLAR
Why not?
WILL
Well, one, because I--I got a job here, and two, because
I live here.
SKYLAR
Look, um..If you don't love me, you should tell me
because it's such a--
WILL
I'm not saying I don't love you.>
SKYLAR
<Then why? Why won't you come? What are you so
scared of?
WILL
What am I so scared of?
SKYLAR
Well, what aren't you scared of? You live in this safe
little world where no one challenges you and you're
scared shitless to do anything else but defend yourself
because that would mean you'd hafta' change.
WILL
Oh no. Don't, don't, don't tell me about my world.
Don't tell me about my world! I mean you just wanna
have you fling with like the guy from the other side of
town. Then you're going to go off to Stanford, you're
going to marry some rich prick who your parents will
approve of and just sit around with the other trust fund
babies and talk about how you went slumming too, once.
SKYLAR
Why are you saying this? What is your obsession with
this money? My father died when I was 13 and I
inherited this money. Nearly every day I wake up, and I
wish that I could give it back, that I would give it back
in a second if it meant I could have one more day with
him, but I can't and that's my life and I deal with it. So
don't put your shit on me, when you're the one that's
afraid.
WILL
I'm afraid? Wha--wha--what am I afraid of, huh? What
the fuck am I afraid of?
SKYLAR
You're afraid of me. You're afraid that I won't love you
back. And you know what? I'm afraid too. Fuck it. I
want to give it a shot and at least I'm honest with you.
WILL
I'm not honest with you?
SKYLAR
No, what about your twelve brothers?
WILL
All right.
SKYLAR
No. You're not going. You're not leaving.
WILL
What do you want to know? What? That I don't have
twelve brothers?
SKYLAR
Yes.
WILL
That I'm a fuckin' orphan!
SKYLAR
Ye
WILL
No, you don't wanna hear that!
SKYLAR
I didn't know that.
WILL
No, you don't wanna hear that.
SKYLAR
I didn't know it.
WILL
You don't wanna hear that I had fuckin' cigarettes put
out on me when I was a little kid.
SKYLAR
Oh...I didn't know that...
WILL
That this isn't fuckin' surgery, that the motherfucker
stabbed me. You don't wanna hear that shit, Skylar.
SKYLAR
I do wanna hear it.
WILL
Don't tell me you want to hear that shit!
SKYLAR
I want to hear it because I want to help you. Because I
want to--
WILL
Help me! What the fuck? What I got a fucking sign on
my back? That says "save me?"
SKYLAR
No.
WILL
Do I look like I need that?
SKYLAR
No. God, I just want to be with you because I love you!
WILL
Don't bullshit me. Don't bullshit me. Don't you fuckin'
bullshit me!
SKYLAR
I love you. I wanna hear you say that you don't love me.
Because if you say that, then I won't call you, and I
won't be in your life...
WILL
I don't love you.>
Lambeau's Office
TOM
Most people never get to see how brilliant they can be.
They don't find teachers that believe in them. They get
convinced they're stupid. I hope you appreciate what
he's doing. Because I've seen how much he enjoys
working with you. Not against you.
LAMBEAU
Hello, Will. Tom, can you get us some coffee?
TOM
Sure.
LAMBEAU
Well, let's see.....Good...This is correct. I see you used
McLauren here.
WILL
Yeah, I dunno what they call it, but...
LAMBEAU
This can't be right. It would be very embarrassing. Did
you ever consider--
WILL
I'm pretty sure it's right. Hey look, can we do this at
Sean's office from now on, because I--I gotta' knock off
work to come here and the commute is killin' me.
LAMBEAU
Yeah sure. But did you think of the possibility--
WILL
It's right. It's right. Just take it home with you.
LAMBEAU
What happened at the McNeil meeting?
WILL
Oh, I couldn't go. I had a date. So uh...so, I sent my
chief negotiator.
LAMBEAU
On your own time you can do whatever you like, Will,
but when I set up a meeting with my...with my
associates, and you don't show up, it reflects poorly on
me.
WILL
All right. Well then don't set up any more meetin's.
LAMBEAU
Well, I won't. I'll cancel them. I'll give you a job
myself. I-I just wanted you to see what was out there.
WILL
Look. Maybe I don't want to spend the rest of my
fuckin' life sittin' around explaining shit to people.
LAMBEAU
I think you could show me some appreciation.
WILL
A little appreciation? Do you know how easy this is for
me? Do you have any fuckin' idea how easy this is? This
is a fuckin' joke. And I'm sorry you can't do this. I
really am because I wouldn't have to fuckin' sit here and
watch you fumble around and fuck it up.
LAMBEAU
Then you'd have more time to sit around and get drunk
instead, wouldn't you?
WILL
You're right. <This is probably a total waste of my time.
LAMBEAU
You're right, Will. I can't do this proof. But you can,
and when it comes to that it's only about..it's just a
handful of people in the world who can tell the
difference between you and me. But I'm one of them.
WILL
Sorry.
LAMBEAU
Yeah, so am I. Most days I wish I never met you.
Because then I could sleep at night, and I wouldn't...and
I wouldn't have to walk around with the knowledge that
there's someone like you out there......... And I didn't
have to watch you throw it all away.........>
Chuckie's House
CHUCKIE
<Bill, hold it. You hear that? Morgan! If you're watching
pornos in my mom's room again I'm gunna give you a
fuckin' beatin'!
MORGAN
(out of breath)
What's up fella's
BILLY
Morgan, why don't you jerk off in your own fuckin'
house. That's fuckin' filthy.
MORGAN
Well, I don't have a VCR at my house?
CHUCKIE
Com'on...not in my glove.
MORGAN
I don't use the glove.
CHUCKIE
That's my little league glove.
MORGAN
Then what am I gunna' do?
CHUCKIE
I mean, what's wrong with you? You hump a baseball
glove?
MORGAN
I--I just used it for the..for cleanup.
CHUCKIE
Stop jerkin' off in my mother's room! Please!
MORGAN
Is there another VCR in the house?
CHUCKIE
That's just sad, bro.>
NSA Interview
WILL
So, why do you think I should work for the National
Security Agency?
NSA AGENT
Well, you'd be working on the cutting edge. You'd be
exposed to the kind of technology that you wouldn't see
anywhere else because we've classified it. Super string
theory, chaos math, advanced algorithms...
WILL
Code-breaking.
NSA AGENT
Well, that's one aspect of what we do.
WILL
Oh, com'on, I mean, that is what you do. You guys
handle 80 percent of the intelligence workload. You're
seven times the size of the CIA.
NSA AGENT
We don't like to brag about that, Will. <So, the way I see
it, the question isn't Why SHOULD you work for the
NSA? The question is: Why shouldn't you?
WILL
Why shouldn't I work for the NSA? That's a tough one.
But I'll take a shot. Say I'm working at the NSA, and
somebody puts a code on my desk, somethin' no one else
can break. Maybe I take a shot at it and maybe I break
it. And I'm real happy with myself, cus' I did my job
well. But maybe that code was the location of some
rebel army in...
Sean's Office
WILL
...North Africa or the Middle East and once they have
that location, they bomb the village where the rebels are
hiding... Fifteen hundred people that I never met, never
had no problem with get killed. Now the politicians are
sayin', "Oh, Send in the marines to secure the area" cus'
they don't give a shit. It won't be their kid over there,
gettin' shot. Just like it wasn't them when their number
got called, cus' they were off pullin' a tour in the National
Guard. It'll be some kid from Southie over there takin'
shrapnel in the ass. He comes back to find that the plant
he used to work at got exported to the country he just
got back from. And the guy who put the shrapnel in his
ass got his old job, cus' he'll work for fifteen cents a day
and no bathroom breaks. Meanwhile he realizes the only
reason he was over there in the first place was so that
we could install a government that would sell us oil at a
good price. And of course the oil companies used the
little skirmish over there to scare up domestic oil prices.
A cute little ancillary benefit for them but it ain't
helping my buddy at two-fifty a gallon. They're takin'
their sweet time bringin' the oil back, of course, maybe
even took the liberty of hiring an alcoholic skipper who
likes to drink martinis and fuckin' play slalom with the
icebergs, it ain't too long 'til he hits one, spills the oil
and kills all the sea life in the North Atlantic. So now
my buddy's out of work. He can't afford to drive, so
he's walking to the fuckin' job interviews, which sucks
because the shrapnel in his ass is givin' him chronic
hemorrhoids. And meanwhile he's starvin' cus' every
time he tries to get a bite to eat the only blue plate
special they're servin' is North Atlantic scrod with
Quaker State. So what did I think? I'm holdin' out for
somethin' better. I figure fuck it, while I'm at it why not
just shoot my buddy, take his job, give it to his sworn
enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby
seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I
could be elected President.
SEAN
You feel like you're alone, Will?>
WILL
What?
SEAN
Do you have a soul mate?
WILL
Define that.
SEAN
Somebody who challenges you.
WILL
I have Chuckie.
SEAN
You know, Chuckie's family, he'd lie down in fuckin'
traffic for you. I'm talking about someone who opens
up things for you. Touches your soul.
WILL
I got..I got..
SEAN
Who?
WILL
I got plenty.
SEAN
Well, name 'em.
WILL
Shakespeare, Nietzsche, Frost, o'Conner, Kant, Pope,
Locke...
SEAN
That's great. They're all dead.
WILL
Not to me, they're not.
SEAN
Yeah, but you don't have a lot of dialog with them. You
can't give back to them, Will.
WILL
Well, not without some serious smelling salts and a
heater.
SEAN
Yeah. Well, that's what I'm saying. You'll never have
that kind of a relationship in a world where you're
always afraid to take the first step because all you see is
every negative thing ten miles down the road.
WILL
What? You're going to take the professor's side on this?
SEAN
Don't give me a line of shit. No.
WILL
Look. I didn't want the job.
SEAN
It's not about the job. I don't care if you work for the
government. But you can do anything you want, you are
bound by nothing. What are you passionate about. What
do you want? I mean there are guys who work their
entire lives laying brick so that their kids have a chance
at the opportunities you have here.
WILL
I didn't ask for this.
SEAN
No. You were born with it. So, don't cop out behind "I
didn't ask for this."
WILL
What do you mean "cop out?" I mean, w-w-what's
wrong with layin' brick?
SEAN
Nothing.
WILL
There's nothing wrong---That's some-- That's
somebody's home I'm building.
SEAN
Right. My dad laid brick. Okay? Busted his ass so I
could have an education.
WILL
Exactly. That's an honorable profession. What's wrong
with..with fixing somebody's car. Someone can get to
work the next day because of me. There's honor in that.
SEAN
Yeah, there is, Will. There is honor in that. And there's
honor in, you know, taking that forty minute train ride
so those (college kids come) in the morning and the
floors are clean and the wastebaskets are empty. That's
real work.
WILL
That's right.
SEAN
Right. And that's honorable. I'm sure that's why you
took that job, I mean, for the honor of it. I just have a
little question here. You could be a janitor anywhere.
Why did you work at the most prestigious technical
college in the whole fuckin' world? And why did you
sneak around at night and finish other people's formulas
that only one or two people in the world could do, and
then lie about it? Cus' I don't see a lot of honor in that,
Will. So, what do you really want to do?
WILL
I wanna' be a shepherd.
SEAN
Really.
WILL
I wanna move up to Nashua get a nice little spread get
some sheep and tend to them.
SEAN
Maybe you should go do that.
WILL
What?
SEAN
You know, if you're going to jerk off, why don't you
just do it at home with a moist towel?
WILL
You're chuckin' me?
SEAN
Yeah, get the fuck out.
WILL
Hey, no, no, no. Time's not up, yet.
SEAN
Yeah it is.
WILL
I'm not leavin'. No!
SEAN
Listen. You're not going to answer my questions, you're
wasting my fuckin' time.
WILL
What? I thought we were friends. Whadoyou mean
you--
SEAN
Playtime's over, okay?
WILL
Well, why're you kickin' me out, Sean? I mean, what? I
mean...you're lecturing me on life? Look at you, you
fuckin' burnout. What winds your clock?
SEAN
Workin' with you.
WILL
Where's your soul mate? You wanna talk about soul
mates? Where is she?
SEAN
Dead.
WILL
That's right, she's fuckin' dead. She fuckin' dies and you
just cash in your chips and you walk away?
SEAN
Hey, at least I played a hand.
WILL
Oh...You played a hand and you lost. You lost a big
fuckin' hand and some people lose a big hand like that
and have the sack to ante up again.
SEAN
Look at me. What do you wanna do? You and your
bullshit. You got a bullshit answer for everybody. But I
ask you a very simple question and you can't give me a
straight answer. Because you don't know. See you, bo
peep.
WILL
Fuck you.
SEAN
You're the shepherd......Shepherd...Fuckin' Prick.
Phone Booth and Skylar's Room
WILL
<I just wanted to, you know, uh...call you up uh...before
you left. Um..I've been takin' all these uh..job interviews
and stuff, so..I'm not going to be just a construction
worker.
SKYLAR
Well, you know, I never really cared about that.
WILL
Yeah.
SKYLAR
I love you. . . . .Will?
WILL
Take care.
SKYLAR
Bye.>
Construction Site
CHUCKIE
Will! Will, that's it! We're done!
Sean's Office
LAMBEAU
I'm sitting in your office and the boy isn't here....Well,
it's ten past five....And hour and ten minutes
late?....Well, what if he doesn't show up and I file a
report saying he wasn't here and he goes back to jail, it
won't be on my conscience....Okay. Fine.
Construction Site
CHUCKIE
What's up?
WILL
Thanks.
CHUCKIE
That's good...<So, how's your lady?
WILL
Eh..she's gone.
CHUCKIE
Gone? Gone where?
WILL
Uh, med school. Medical school in California.
CHUCKIE
Really?
WILL
Yeah.
CHUCKIE
When was this?
WILL
It was like a week ago.
CHUCKIE
Well, that sucks. <<< So uh...when're you done with
those meetin's?
WILL
I think the week after I'm 21.
CHUCKIE
Yeah, they gunna' hook you up with a job, or what?
WILL
Yeah. Fuckin' sit in a room and do long division for the
next fifty years.
CHUCKIE
eh..probably make some nice bank, though.
WILL
I'm gonna be a fuckin' lab rat.
CHUCKIE
Better than this shit. It's a way outta' here.
WILL
What do I want a way out of here for? I mean, I'm gunna
fuckin' live here the rest of my life. You know, we'll be
neighbors, you know, we'll have little kids fuckin' take
'em to little league together up at Foley field.
CHUCKIE
Look, you're my best friend, so don't take this the wrong
way. In twenty years, if you're still livin' here, comin'
over to my house to watch the Patriots games, still
workin' construction, I'll fuckin' kill you. That's not a
threat. Now, that's a fact. I'll fuckin' kill you.
WILL
What the fuck are you talkin' about?
CHUCKIE
Look. You got somethin' none of us--
WILL
Oh come on..Wh--Why is it always this, I mean, I fuckin'
owe it to myself to do this..why if I don't want to.
CHUCKIE
All right. No. No no. Fuck you. You don't owe it to
yourself. You owe it to me. Cus' tomorrow I'm gonna
wake up and I'll be fifty. And I'll still be doin' this shit.
And that's all right, that's fine. I mean, you're sitting on
a winnin' lottery ticket. And you're too much of a pussy
to cash it in. And that's bullshit. Cus' I'd do fuckin'
anything to have what you got. So would any of these
fuckin' guys. it'd be an insult to us if you're still here in
twenty years. Hanging around here is a fuckin' waste of
your time.
WILL
You don't know that.
CHUCKIE
I don't?
WILL
No. You don't know that.
CHUCKIE
Oh I don't know that. Let me tell you what I do know.
Every day I come by your house and I pick you up. And
we go out, we have a few drinks, and a few laughs, and
it's great. But you know what the best part of my day is?
It's for about ten seconds from when I pull up to the curb
to when I get to your door. Because I think maybe I'll
get up there and I'll knock on the door and you won't be
there. No goodbye, no see you later, no nothin'. Just left.
I don't know much, but I know that. >>>>
Sean's Office
LAMBEAU
This is a disaster, Sean. I brought you in here because I
wanted you to help me with the boy. Not to run him out.
SEAN
I know what I'm doing with the boy.
LAMBEAU
I don't care if you have a rapport with the boy. I don't
care if you have a few laughs even at my expense, but
don't you dare undermine what I'm trying to do here.
SEAN
Undermine?
LAMBEAU
This boy is at a fragile point right now.
SEAN
I do understnd. He is at a fragile point, okay? He's got
problems.
LAMBEAU
Well, what problems does he have, Sean? That he's better
off as a janitor? That he's better off in jail? Better off
hanging out with a bunch of retarded gorillas?
SEAN
Oh, why do you think he does that, Gerry? Do you have
any fuckin' clue why? Hmm?
LAMBEAU
He can handle the problems. he can handle the work. And
he obviously handled you.
SEAN
Gerry listen to me. Listen to me. Why is he hiding? Why
doesn't he trust anybody? Because the first thing that
happened to him, he was abandoned by the people who
were supposed to love him most.
LAMBEAU
Oh, come on, don't give me that Freudian crap.
SEAN
Aw, now listen, Gerry. And why does he hang out with
those retarded gorillas, as you call them? Because any
one of them, if he asked them to, would take a fuckin' bat
to your head, okay? That's called loyalty.
LAMBEAU
Yeah, that's very touching.
SEAN
And who's he handling? He pushes people away before
they have a chance to leave him. It's a defense
mechanism, all right? And for twenty years he's been
alone because of that. And if you push him right now,
it's going to be the same thing all over again, and I'm
not gunna let that happen to him.
LAMBEAU
Now, don't you do that, Sean.
SEAN
What, Gerry?
LAMBEAU
Don't you do that. Don't infect him with the idea that
it's okay to quit, that it's okay to be a failure because it's
not okay, Sean. And if you're angry at me for
being..being successful, for being what you could have
been, Sean..
SEAN
I'm not angry at you, Gerry.
LAMBEAU
Oh, yes, you're angry at me, Sean. You resent me. But
I'm not going to apologize for any...any success I've
had. You're angry at me for doing what you could have
done, but ask yourself, Sean, ask yourself if you want
Will to feel that way, if you want him to feel like a
failure..
SEAN
Oh, you arrogant shit. That's why I don't come to the
goddamnned reunions. Cus' I can't stand that look in
your eye. You know? That condescending, embarrassed
look.
LAMBEAU
Aw, come one, Sean.
SEAN
You think I'm a failure. I know who I am, and I'm
proud of what I do. It was a conscious choice. I didn't
fuck up. And you and your cronies think I'm sort of
pity case. You and your kiss ass chorus, following you
around going, "The Fields Medal, The Fields Medal."
Why are you still so fuckin' afraid of failure?
LAMBEAU
It's about my medal, is it? Oh God, I can go home and
get it for you. You can have it.
SEAN
You please don't, you know--
LAMBEAU
I mean that--
SEAN
You know what, Gerry? Shove the medal up your
fuckin' ass, all right? Cus' I don't give a shit about your
medal because I knew you before you were a
mathematical god. When you were pimple-faced and
homesick, and didn't know what side of the bed to piss
on.
LAMBEAU
Yeah, you were smarter than me then and you're
smarter than me now. So, don't blame me for how your
life turned out it's not my fault.
SEAN
I don't blame you! It's not about you, you mathematical
dick! It's about the boy! He's a good kid, and I won't see
you fuck him up like you're trying to fuck up me right
now. I won't see you make him feel like a failure too.
LAMBEAU
He won't be a failure, Sean!
SEAN
But if you push him, Gerry. If you ride him.
LAMBEAU
Seeeaaaan. I am what I am today because I was pushed
and because I learned to push myself.
SEAN
He's not you, you get that?
WILL
I can...come back.
LAMBEAU
No come in. uh...I was just leaving.
SEAN
A lot of that stuff goes back a long way between me and
him. You know...it's not about you.
WILL
What is that?
SEAN
This is your file. I hafta' send it back to the judge for
evaluation.
WILL
Hey, you're not gunna fail me, are you? What's it say?
SEAN
Wanna read it?
WILL
Why?...<Have you had any uh...experience with that?
SEAN
Twenty years of counseling. Yeah, I've seen some pretty
awful shit.
WILL
I mean have you had any..experience with that?
SEAN
Personally? yeah...Yeah I have.
WILL
It sure ain't good.
SEAN
My father was an alcoholic. Mean fuckin' drunk. He'd
come home hammered, lookin' to wail on somebody.
So, I had to provoke him so he wouldn't go after my
mother and little brother. Interesting nights were when
he wore his rings.
WILL
Yeah...he used to just put a uh...a wrench, a stick, and a
belt on the table, and just say choose.
SEAN
Well, I gotta' go with the belt there, Vanna.
WILL
Uh..well, I used to go with the wrench.
SEAN
Why the wrench?
WILL
cus' Fuck him, that's why.
SEAN
Your foster father?
WILL
Yeah. So uh...you know, what is it? Like, Will has an
attachment disorder? Is it all that stuff? Fear of
abandonment? Is that why uh...Is that why I broke up
with Skylar?
SEAN
I didn't know you had.
WILL
Yeah...I did.
SEAN
You wanna talk about it?
WILL
No...
SEAN
Hey, Will? I don't know a lot. But you see this? All this
shit. It's not your fault.
WILL
Yeah, I know that.
SEAN
Look at me, son. It's not your fault.
WILL
I know.
SEAN
It's not your fault.
WILL
I know.
SEAN
No, no, you don't. It's not your fault.
WILL
I know.
SEAN
It's not your fault.
WILL
All right.
SEAN
It's not your fault. It's not your fault.
WILL
Don't fuck with me.
SEAN
It's not your fault.
WILL
Don't fuck with me all right? Don't fuck with me,
Sean, not you.
SEAN
It's not your fault...It's not your fault...
WILL
(through heavy sobbing)
Oh God....Oh God, I'm so sorry...>
SEAN
Fuck them, okay?
McNeil Lobby
SECUIRTY GUARD
Can I help you?
WILL
Yeah, I'm uh...Will Hunting. I'm here about a
position.
SECURITY GUARD
Could you just have a seat for a moment?
Sean's Office
SEAN
Which one did you take?
WILL
I was over at uh...McNeil. It's one of the jobs the
professor set me up with. I haven't told him yet, but I
went--I went down there and I talked to my boss
and..my new boss. He seemed like a good guy.
SEAN
Is that what you want?
WILL
Yeah, you know, I think so.
SEAN
Good for you. Congratulations.
WILL
Thanks.
SEAN
Time's up.
WILL
So that's...so that's it? We're..we're done?
SEAN
Yeah, that's it. You're done. You're a free man.
WILL
Well, I just want you to know, Sean, that..
SEAN
You're welcome, Will.
WILL
So yeah, I..I hope we keep in touch, you know.
SEAN
Yeah, me too. I'll be travellin' around a bit and it'll be
a little harder, but..but I got an answering machine at
the college I'll be checking in with. Here's the number.
You call that, I'll get back to you right away. Yeah,
you know, I figured I..just gunna put my money back
on the table and see what kind'a cards I get. You do
what's in your heart son, you'll be fine.
WILL
Thank you, Sean.
SEAN
Hey. Thank you, Will.
WILL
Hey, does this violate the uh...patient-doctor
relationship?
SEAN
Eh...only if you grab my ass.
WILL
Take care.
SEAN
You too.
WILL
Yeah.
SEAN
Hey. Good luck, son.
L Street Bar and Grille
MORGAN
Two beers.
WILL
What's up? Did you guys go?
CHUCKIE
Naw, they had __?__ doin' it.
WILL
Why didn't you yoke 'em?
CHUCKIE
Well, Morgan's got a lot of scrap. You know people
try to whip his ass every week? Fuckin' can't back
down.
MORGAN
What're you sayin' about me?
CHUCKIE
Was I talkin' to you? None of your fuckin' business.
Now, go and get me a beer!
MORGAN
I ordered two beers!
CHUCKIE
Hey, asshole.
WILL
What, bitch?
CHUCKIE
Happy Birthday.
MORGAN
Thought we forgot, huh, bitch?
WILL
All right, who's first?
Outside
WILL
Heyheyhey, who's first?
CHUCKIE
Here's your present.
WILL
What?
CHUCKIE
Well, we knew you had to get back and forth to
Cambridge for your new job and, I knew I wasn't gunna
fuckin' drive you every day, so...Morgan wanted to get
you a T pass.
MORGAN
That's not what I was sayin'.
CHUCKIE
But uh...21 now, so...
BILLY
Legally allowed to drink so we figured the best thing for
you, kid, was a car. How do you like it?
WILL
This is like..this is the ugliest fuckin' car I ever seen in
my life. How'd you guys do this?
CHUCKIE
You know, me and Bill scraped together the parts, and
uh..Morgan was out panhandlin' for change every day.
MORGAN
I had the router, did all the body work.
BILLY
Yeah, and got a fuckin' job too, brother.
CHUCKIE
Yeah, he's been on my ass for two years about a job, I
had to let him open the car.
WILL
So, you finally got a job, huh Morgan?
MORGAN
Yeah, I had one. Now, I'm fucked again.
WILL
So, what is it? A lawnmower? Whadoya' got under
there?
CHUCKIE
Hey, Billy and I built this engine ourselves.
BILLY
It's a good car. Th--the engine's good. The engine's
good.
CHUCKIE
Happy 21, bro.
BILLY
Happy 21, bro.
Sean's Office
LAMBEAU
<Hi.
SEAN
Come on in.
LAMBEAU
Sean, I um...
SEAN
Me too, Gerry.
LAMBEAU
Yeah. Good. I heard you're taking some time.
SEAN
Yeah. Travel a little bit. Maybe write.
LAMBEAU
So, where're you going?
SEAN
India n China n Baltimore.
LAMBEAU
You know when you'll be back?
SEAN
Well, I got this flyer the other day. It says uh...class of
'72 is having a reunion in six months.
LAMBEAU
Yeah, I got one of those, too.
SEAN
Why don't you come, I'll buy you a drink.
LAMBEAU
The drinks at those things are free.
SEAN
I know, Gerry. I was being ironical.
LAMBEAU
How about a drink right now?
SEAN
Yeah. That's a good idea. Com'on. This one's on me...I
got the winner right here, pal.
LAMBEAU
Aw.
SEAN
Yes, sir, this is the one. This is my ticket to paradise.
LAMBEAU
Sean, you know what the odds are against winning the
lottery?
SEAN
What? Four to One?
LAMBEAU
About 7,000,000 to one.
SEAN
I still have a shot.
LAMBEAU
Yes. It's about as big a chance as you being hit by
lightening right here on the stairs...>
Outside Will's Place
CHUCKIE
Will!.........Will!........He's not there.
Outside Sean's Place
WILL'S NOTE TO SEAN
<Sean, if the Professor calls about that job, just tell him,
sorry, I had to go see about a girl. Will
SEAN
Son of a bitch, he stole my line.>
THE END